I have flirted with the idea of starting my own blog for a couple years now, always pausing mere seconds before clicking the magic blog-creation button, somehow halted by my fears of inadequacy, loss of privacy, and, of course, writer’s block. I won’t lie, I’m still scared – I’m scared beyond what I think is reasonable for starting what should be an anonymous blog. However, I feel like the time has come, so I’m looking my fears in the eye and trying not to let them define me or imprison me.
I found a really awesome blog community (or group of communities) about a year ago, at a time when I was really struggling and feeling completely alone. A group of incredible women have allowed me to get a glimpse into their lives, and their beautiful writing, awesome intelligence, and endless courage have made the temptation of blog-hood even more enticing, and I can hold out no longer! I had commented on these lovely blogs off and on starting a few months ago, which in itself induced a little bit of anxiety, but so far, nothing but good has come out of the entire experience. In fact, the other day I got my first response, from a terrific woman, who has encouraged me to branch out and establish my own little “bit of earth” in the always fertile blog universe. And then tonight, I happened upon a new blog, and was absolutely astounded with the courage and honesty of its author. This woman uttered an admission that she knew might bring her controversy and difficulty, but she did it bravely and beautifully, and I was moved to tears by her willingness to share so much of her life for the benefit of others.
This woman, you see, told the world that she had an abortion, something that most women keep secreted away, for whatever reason. Judging from this woman’s previous posts, she, too, feared “going public,” but she got past it. So in a way, this blog is a way for me to start bearing witness, for me to start saying that I don’t think women should have to be embarrassed or afraid of judgment. So as much as it terrifies me, I want to join this woman. I made the same choice she did a few years ago, in between my two losses. And for fear of judgment and cruelty, I didn’t tell anyone, and now I worry that keeping it a secret just added to the culture of fear and secrecy surrounding this decision. Women should obviously have every option to keep this decision as private as they want to – honestly I don’t think anyone ever has a “right” to know. But women shouldn’t be forced to keep a secret about a perfectly just and legal decision out of fear, because there should be nothing to fear. I am tired of oppression, in all its forms, and the stigma surrounding abortion is just another form of oppression. No, it’s not ideal, and it’s certainly not something I ever wanted to do or face. But I had to, and despite the hurt I felt (and still feel), I am confident I made the right decision. My reasons are immaterial, but suffice it to say that I felt that it was the only choice, and in fact I would still support that whole-heartedly. Please also recognize that until you know every detail of my story (which I am not ready to share and may never share), you don’t know why I did it or what other options I had, or even why or how I found myself faced with the choice in the first place. And please know that the pregnancies I lost were very much wanted, and that I desperately want children in the future. Unfortunately, many circumstances (including my own progressive chronic illness) keep that prospect reasonably far off in the future.
You are all more than welcome to disagree with me, but I can’t let the fear of disagreement dictate my decisions or my life anymore. So here I am, posting on a blog and baring my soul and my past. I realize that the somewhat polarizing nature of my very first post may make my blog a little less than universally appealing, but all of a sudden I’m ok with that.
I don’t really know what kind of blog this is going to be yet. It certainly isn’t just about reproductive issues, or politics, or beliefs, or my life. For now it’s going to be exactly what it was for this post – a place for me to talk about things that move me, about topics to which I feel I can contribute. I can’t guarantee any sort of regularity of posting, correct grammar or spelling (although I do try quite hard!), or that this blog will ever really get “personal,” but I can promise that I will try to always be sensitive to the needs of others, and true to the needs of my heart. If you choose to follow along, let me thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading.
1 comment:
Thanks for your comments on my blog. I'm glad you decided to join the blogosphere, and share your experiences with us!
It took me a few years to first "come out" to my family about the abortion... and I probably wouldn't have, but I wrote a novel about it, and they all wanted to read it, so I had to tell them. When we sit here in silence, letting a loud minority make us ashamed, we feel like the only one. Or, at least, the only one who didn't have a "good enough" reason (after all, I wasn't a 13-year-old who was raped by her father). But the more we talk about it, the more we realize that there are other women out there who've gone through the same thing. Who've had to face the same choice, and are not going to judge you. And there are other women who, even though they have not gone through that experience themselves, support your right to make the choice you did. We are not alone... and we need to stop letting a loud minority make us feel that way!
We need to be respectful of others' opinions and beliefs, but so should they be of ours. Isn't that fair? :)
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