People are so unbelievably complicated.
My dad, one of the funniest, smartest people I know, also happens to be an alcoholic who, as of yet, has been unable to get his drinking under control. He’s not the drink-until-you-pass-out sort, but more the type to drink enough every night to seriously impair his judgment and to make him pretty unpleasant. He’s prone to bursts of anger and ridiculously disproportionate reactions to even the smallest stimuli. But only minutes after one of these outbursts, he’s joking affectionately with everyone within range. I can’t figure it out, and as soon as I’m angry with him he makes me laugh, and then as soon as I’ve let my guard down he strikes again. I think my mom feels the same way. They’ve been married for just over 30 years, and I can tell that she’s really unhappy. I mean, I don’t think either of them feels that their marriage is exactly ideal, but she’s the only one who seems to really be having difficulty taking it. He makes her feel incredibly stupid, which is heartbreaking – she’s incredibly smart, particularly when it comes to understanding other people. She’s also an amazing musician: she got her undergraduate and graduate degrees in performance from two top music schools. She’s talked about leaving him multiple times, but each time he claims he’ll try harder, and she stays. I don’t know what I want her to do – it’s not like I want her to divorce my dad. I may be grown and married myself, but I don’t know if parents divorcing ever gets really easy or comfortable. Doesn’t everyone want to believe that their parents will be together forever? I just also don’t want her to be unhappy. She deserves a lot more than this, and I feel like I’m watching little bits of my mom’s incredible personality wither and disappear under the crushing yolk of my dad’s issues.
His dad is an alcoholic as well, although at 91 he’s definitely slowed down a bit. My dad’s mother died when he was two due to a pituitary tumor that grew particularly fast because of her three successive pregnancies in such a short period of time. I know that his dad loved her in the fairytale love sort of way that everyone dreams about, and that after she died he sort of gave up, and lost his ability to be emotional. I figure that’s a big part of why my dad has such difficulty with understanding other people’s emotional needs.
I am just searching for a way to make things easier for my mom, and a way to hopefully stop getting hurt myself. I haven’t experienced addiction for myself, and I understand that he’s really ill, so I would love to be able to help him as well. I just don’t know how to separate the alcoholic him from the real him anymore. They’re all starting to meld together and look alike, and I’m having difficulty not being angry at him, despite the fact that I understand that at least some of this isn’t his fault.
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2 comments:
My first husband was an alcoholic. I don't drink, so I didn't really understand what was going on... how bad it was. What you described is the typical cycle of abuse: he gets angry, yells, says hurtful things, but then apologizes and acts nice, to get you to stay/forgive him.
Has he ever gone to counseling? Or to an AA meeting?
I'm not a huge fan of AA, since my ex went to a few meetings (too little, too late, though) and came home with a book (The Big Book of AA?) He asked me to read the chapter on spouses, which basically said that I, the wife, needed to understand he was going through a rough time and I needed to be there for him. If he acted out, I needed to forgive him and take it. If there were children involved, the wife had to take care of the children while the husband did whatever he felt like doing -- which, yes, included drinking.
Some of the things AA does are good, but some of their ideas are still stuck in the 1900's. I'd recommend shopping around for and Al-Anon group for you and your mom (but make sure to find one that does not feel family should succumb to the alcoholic's disease. Yes, it's a disease and a very bad one, but that does not mean the alcoholic can give in to the addiction and everyone around him needs to grin and bear it. The alcoholic needs to get help and manage his disease.)
I'm sorry you and your mom have to go through that.
Thank you so much for your suggestions, Criss. I am so sorry that you had to deal with alcoholism with your first husband, and I'm very impressed at how well you seem to have dealt with it.
My dad absolutely refuses to go to an AA meeting - he admits that he's an alcoholic, but he is either too scared (he has some social anxieties) or too proud to go to a meeting, which I think is what he needs, in spite of AA's shortcomings. I have heard that they tend to be a bit over-indulgent of an alcoholic's behavior, which I understand in terms of support, but I'm not sure it's the most effective process in the world, or that it's exactly fair to those around him.
I am going to look for an Al-Anon meeting; I think it would really help both me and my mom to have some support from people who understand what we're dealing with.
Thank you again for your comments! Knowing that someone is reading my blog is a wonderful feeling!
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